I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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