the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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