and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
