I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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