Plan B is the new Plan A
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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