I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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