I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
