my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
