i love accidental penises.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
