Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
