proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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