even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
