Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
