someone owes me an orgasm
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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