I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
