I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
