After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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