I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
