hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
