My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
