So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
