The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
