Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
