I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice