my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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