My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
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Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms