So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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