hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize