my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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