The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
