2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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