I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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