Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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