I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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