two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
