Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
