i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
