ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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