It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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