i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
