New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dicks are not precious.