i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
smell my finger.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
