the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
