I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
