somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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