I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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