You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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