i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
