dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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