she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
