I puked a lego.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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