9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
