found the other keg... it's in the tree
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
