So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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