Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
