Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
