He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
