i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
