I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
